by Barb Gareis
During Sunday school, I sat in the little wooden chair in my floral-printed sundress. With my head bowed, eyes closed, and hands folded in my lap, I repeated this prayer, “Jesus, I know I’m a sinner. I’m sorry for my sin. Please forgive me. I know you died on the cross for me. And that you love me. Please come into my heart. And I will love you forever. Amen.”
I didn’t feel different, but at five years old, I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to feel. Mom squealed with delight when the teacher told her that I asked Jesus into my heart. She told Daddy, and Meemom, and Poppy, and the pastor, and I don’t even know who else!
My mom was raised in a Christian home. I was raised in a Christian home. And I’ve done my best to raise my kids in a Christian home. Many people don’t begin to follow Christ until they are much older. Looking back, I’m glad I started at such a young age although there were certainly times in my life when I went the wrong direction and had to turn around. There were also times when sad things happened that didn’t make sense, and these were true tests of my faith as well.
At eight years old, my best friend in the third grade was a brown-haired, freckle-faced boy named Michael Murphy. We ate lunch together, played on the monkey bars during recess, and rode bikes after school. One day he wasn’t in school and when I arrived home, my mom sat me down and explained gently that Michael was in a terrible accident. “Is he going to be okay?” I asked, my eyes wide and curious. “I’m sorry, honey, he went to heaven.” This was the first sting of loss for me. I had no idea what God was preparing me for as he tested my faith. Questions flooded my mind even at such a tender age. “Why would God let him die?” “Why didn’t He keep him safe?” “Why does this hurt so much?” “Where are you, God?” I loved God but I didn’t understand. Many times as adults we don’t understand. And we may never understand in this lifetime, and that’s okay because God has it all figured out.
When you decide to follow Jesus, it doesn’t mean life becomes easy. That’s the farthest statement from the truth! Satan is angry. He wants you. And he will do anything to try to tear you apart. The Lord tells us in John 10:10, “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”
From that point on, it seemed there was one loss after another. At nine years old, my grandpop died of cancer. At 13 years old, my uncle’s house caught fire and no one was able to rescue baby Joey from his crib on the third floor. I cried. I screamed. I demanded answers from God. I questioned my faith. And although I wavered, the Holy Spirit continued to fill me with hope. The words I will never leave you or forsake you swam around in my mind. I was hurting but I knew that Jesus was with me and that he would comfort me.
I experienced the typical teenage challenges – acne, boys, and bullying. Plus my family moved from NJ to FL when I was in the eighth grade. The shy, new kid in town was an easy target. Kids pulled my hair. They knocked schoolbooks out of my hands. Someone even stole my purse! I did make a couple of friends—Felicia and Christie—and guess what? They loved Jesus too! Isn’t it amazing how God places the right people in your life at the right time and in the right place? My faith was being restored. They helped me to stay strong and trust that God was going to do something good in my life. I was baptized, became active in the youth group, and began to build up some confidence by wearing the “armor” of God.
We returned to NJ one year later, just in time to start high school. I was excited about seeing old friends again and being reunited with my extended family. Then tragedy struck again when my Aunt Sally died of cervical cancer. She was twenty-six.
Despite my claim of restored faith, I became depressed, withdrew from my friends, and eventually began seeking attention from the wrong crowd. Eventually, I stopped attending church, and started experimenting with drinking and drugs. (Remember, the thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy.) I was giving into temptation and believing the lies that were filling my head. Lies that whispered, “God doesn’t really care. You’re too messed up now. Why would He love you? You’re worthless.”
The Holy Spirit spoke to me too. I imaged the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. A battle, for sure! But I shoved that righteous little voice aside and did what I wanted to do anyway, knowing it was wrong. The thing about sin is that it might provide temporary satisfaction, but there are consequences! Not only do you hurt yourself, you often hurt those who love you. I skipped school and ran away from home. Fortunately, even in my stupidity, the Lord was watching out for me and protecting me. My dad, who was a police officer, had a search team looking for me. It was my dad who found me at a hotel with three juveniles, two of whom already had police records. I was embarrassed yet grateful to have been “caught.”
The tears on my parents’ faces reminded me that they loved me more than I could comprehend at the confusing and difficult age of sixteen. Their open arms reminded me of the story of the prodigal child. I had some apologizing to do, and some repenting as well. After apologizing to my parents, siblings, and best friend (who also had no idea where I was), I cried out to God. I knew I had been backsliding terribly and needed to turn around and follow His lead once again. I returned to church and started reading the bible. Lamentations 3:22-23 says, “Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.” Where would we be without this promise?
I wish I could end here and say, “and they lived happily ever after,” but life is not a fairy tale. This life is our temporary home with many trials and tribulations. We must be ready to face anything that comes our way, whether circumstances beyond our control or temptations. We need to rely on God’s strength and not give in or give up.
When I was nineteen years old, my fiancé and I were driving home from a New Year’s Eve dinner at my aunt and uncle’s house. My mom and dad were following us in their car. The roads were icy and as we drove over a bridge around a bend, we slid just slightly. I noticed the guardrail was missing. I suddenly felt a knot in my stomach as I peered out the back window and watched the headlights behind us. My dad had a tendency to drive just a little too fast at times. I watched as the lights pierced the darkness and then everything went black. I screamed that something was wrong. We turned around immediately and rushed back to the bridge. Below the bridge, in a ditch, was their car turned upside down. There was no movement. I raced back to my aunt and uncle’s house to get help while my fiancé stayed at the scene to try and rescue them. I cried out to God like I never had before. “God, please let them be alive! God, please! Oh, God! I need You!”
My aunt prayed with me and my uncle called 911. Responders were on the scene within minutes. My parents were alive! Once rescued and transported to the hospital, we learned that Dad had minor injuries but Mom’s injuries were quite major. It took several months for Mom to recover but she would be fine. If someone needs a wake-up call, this would sure be one! I thanked God from the bottom of my toes for keeping my parents alive. Over the next year, I grew even stronger in my faith and closer to my parents.
And then just 18 months after the accident, my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He was 45. Four months after his diagnosis, he passed away. I was devastated. But this time, my faith was more solid than ever. My love for the Lord and trust in Him even in the midst of this great loss was tremendous. I’m convinced that it’s the only reason I was able to get out of bed each morning and continue to follow Him. One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” I am now in my late 40s. Life still isn’t easy, but I can rejoice in Him always—despite the circumstances—because I know that I am His child, and He loves me.
Last year I attended a ministry leaders’ workshop. The theme was “Even If.” Those two little words have made such a difference for me. Even if this is not the life I expected it to be, I will thank Him. Even if my kids are living lifestyles that I don’t approve of, I will trust Him. Even if I am diagnosed with a serious illness, I will praise Him.
Friends, trust in the Lord with all your heart. We don’t need to understand why things happen. Acknowl
edge Him. Cry out to Him. Praise Him. He will direct your paths. He will comfort you and protect you. Let Him wrap His loving arms around you. Remember, His mercies are new every morning. God bless!
Barbara Ann Gareis is the author of Grow: A Bible Study for Spiritual Growth, Dancing with Daddy: A Memoir of Life, Love, and Hope, the inspirational book 100 Blessings, as well as the blog “Sharing Hope.” She is also a motivational speaker who appears before women’s groups to offer insight on being faithful during adversity. She currently serves as a women’s ministry leader at Shadyrest Bible Church. Barbara has a business degree from Thomas Edison State College and attended Central Jersey Bible Institute. She lives in New Jersey with her husband, their two grown children, and their dogs and cats. Her books are available on Amazon.