When a Proverb Causes Discouragement by Kathy Withers

It is said, “When children are small they step on your toes, and when they grow up they step on your hearts.” As a mother of five adult children, I have found this to be true for myself and for almost every mother I know. Both Kathy and I have the common bond of loving and serving our Lord Jesus Christ – and of walking through the stage of parenting young adult children, some of whom have not yet chosen to follow Jesus, in spite of our best efforts to teach them and many sleepless nights of prayer for these precious children of ours. As empty nesters (well, mine is almost empty), we are both very busy these days serving in our respective ministries. Yet God brought Kathy and I together as friends to encourage and pray for one another. We carve out coffee break times at Starbucks on occasion to get to catch up and encourage one another, or we find a few quiet minutes to talk at America’s Keswick, where Kathy serves as the Director of Partner Care. Kathy often asks a question when I see her-one that always challenges me – “So, what have you been reading lately?” I’m not talking about cheesy, simplistic novels, but books that challenge our thinking and our theology. Her question keeps me on my toes, reminding me to continue to learn, growing in wisdom, listening to what God has to teach me. Kathy is a student of Scripture, not for the sake of knowledge alone, but to become more like her Savior. She is a true woman of wisdom, and I am blessed to call her my friend.

When a Proverb Causes Discouragement

“Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

When you read through Proverbs have you ever had an “oh…I didn’t do it that way” moment? It is discouraging to find out you didn’t use godly wisdom or that there was a better way to handle a situation.

As an older teenager I decided to walk away from church and from any semblance of a relationship that I had with Jesus. My prayers weren’t being answered so I thought I could do things better by myself.  I thought I was so wise but I wasn’t. I was pregnant, divorced, remarried by the time I reached 23 years old. At 26 and after the birth of my second child Jesus drew me back to a relationship with Himself. Four years later my husband came to Christ.

Fast forward a number of years. My children are now grown. One has never professed Christ as his Savior and is living a lifestyle I would never choose for him. My daughter had a faith of her own, went to a Christian college and came home after her first year to declare she no longer believed as we do. I am sure many can relate to this pain. We once had some control over our children but not anymore.

During this time of figuring out how I did it all wrong I heard the wisdom of Dr. James Dobson on the radio, “The first five years are the most formative”. I listened to the whole program and felt regrets over my unwise decisions and the consequences they had for me, my son and my daughter. I didn’t train them early enough. Those formative years are so important but I was doing my own thing and trying to raise children. Even after coming to Christ I wasn’t a godly mother or an example from day one. I had to grow and learn and I began to think I learned too late. As I would share my heart regarding my prodigals with other Christian women I would be told, “Train up a child in the way they should go and when they are old, they will not depart from it”.  Proverbs 22:6 never bothered me until my children had “departed from the way they should go”. I began to feel great regret over the mistakes I had made in their earlier years. I lived with those regrets and every time someone quoted Proverbs 22:6 to me; I sunk a little bit deeper.

Fast forward again. A number of years have passed. I began a deeper study on Proverbs using a study guide called The Art of Living Well by Kenneth Boa and Gail Burnett.  During this study I read:

“First, the maxims in Proverbs are universally true and applicable in most cases, but there is room for deviations. Proverbs are not promises of God. Rather they are keenly observed and divinely interpreted patterns of cause and effect in human behavior. Proverbs are totally valid, highly reliable, and typically repeatable. Nevertheless, God is at liberty to intervene and altar those patterns in any way He sees fit. He will do so when our best interest is at stake. Second, we must carefully read and interpret what these maxims are saying. Some people read what they want scripture to say and then get angry at God when He doesn’t deliver the way they have in mind. If in our own lives we find deviations from principles expressed in Proverbs, we should first go back and read what the verse really says and then examine the truth of how our situation fits that principle. These two cautions do not lessen the value of Proverbs, nor do they diminish the wisdom of following them. Indeed, Proverbs give timeless insight; and even today they offer us incredible predictability of outcome”

I finally understood. There was no magic bullet for raising godly children. The equation was never A + B = C. OOPs…you didn’t do that? You lose! Proverbs suggests that if you do A then B should be the outcome.

I began to understand many things like, the free will my children possess and that there are no guarantees. I could have been June Cleaver or some other idea of the perfect mother and my kids would still come to a point where they make their own decisions. Greater still was the understanding I gained about who God is. He is sovereign and has seen fit to intervene in my life and the lives of my children for His greater purposes. Only through my mistakes do I feel that I can relate to other mothers with prodigals. God uses our pain. As the Lord has used my past and my current situation, I know He has a purpose for my children and the path they are currently on.

Fast forward to today. Where am I? I am in the waiting room with many other mothers of adult prodigals. In the waiting room I am able to share and comfort others who deeply feel they are why their children are _______.  I am confident that God is bigger than ALL my mistakes! Proverbs 22:6 doesn’t sting like it used to. God has comforted me in ALL my tribulations and my prayer is that you will be comforted and able to let go of your regrets.

Blessings,

Kathy

Kathy Withers has served at America’s Keswick for the last 10 years. She currently is the Director of Partner Care. She lives in Whiting with her husband Dave. They have been married for 30+ years and are praying parents for two adult children. Kathy enjoys reading, Bible Studies and sharing with women through teaching and speaking. A few of her favorite quotes include:

“Don’t doubt in the dark what God has shown you in the light.”
“This too shall pass.”
“If it were going to be easy it wouldn’t have started with labor!”

(From Kathy’s Facebook page)