Yet I Am Not Silenced By the Darkness

Yet I am not silenced by the Darkness…

“For God has made my heart faint,  and the Almighty has terrified me,  But I am not silenced by the darkness (of these woes that fell on me), Nor by the thick darkness which covers my face.”  Job 23:16, 17 (The Amplified Version)

Perhaps a less ominous title would have been better yet these verses from Job 23 seem to fit my life’s experiences and pattern better than any other.  I never considered my existence on this earth to have been anything much to write about, and yet the way God has worked and guided, how He has persisted with a damaged clay pot, that is something about which I am constantly and consistently astonished.  A changed life is the enduring testimony which most affects the lives of others.

If I had to have just one life verse I would have a hard time choosing.  And so I would choose verses  from Ezekiel, two passages, actually one in chapter 36 and one from chapter 37.   “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36:26

“Then you will know (with confidence) that I am the LORD when I have opened your graves and made you come up out of your graves…  I will put My Spirit in you and you will come to life…”

One passage speaks of God’s giving us (me) a new heart, and a new Spirit.  Both verses speak of God’s blessing us by giving us the ability to LIVE and to KNOW.  It is repeated, “And you shall live and you shall know.”  This phrase means more to me than I could ever articulate.  To LIVE and to KNOW, that is what the Christian life is all about.

We come to know, to really know what new life is all about when we walk by faith.  And the only way to walk by faith is by learning from everyday aggravations and by, in a larger sense, becoming one with our trials, we absorb them into the fabric of our being in such a way as to enable our faith to grow.

When thinking on one of the biggest tests to my faith, I always think of the time a Dr., two doctors actually, here in the Philippines, tried to convince me I had breast cancer.  They were very kind and gentle and I bear them no ill will, it was just a huge blunder by the ultrasound technician, and/but over all and through all I learned some VERY valuable lessons, teachings which continue to impact and resonate with me to this day.  The peace, the deep and merciful peace which permeated my being from that first auspicious day onward has never left me.  I always wondered how I would react if that sort of news was ever given to me and now I know…the Lord gives grace as we need it, just for that day, and if we stretch out inner hands and appropriate it, then we can enjoy that grace even when not particularly happy about the news.

Shortly before my husband and I were to return to the US for a few months furlough from our work here in the Philippines, in early 2008, I realized the time had come to get a mammogram.  I had just turned 51 and knowing the tests and subsequent doctors’ visits to be more expensive in the US, even with medical insurance, I decided to go ahead to a Dr. in Manila/Quezon City (in the Philippines).  After the mammogram which had been uneventful as I had expected it to be, I proceeded to the reading of the test results by the Dr. (as yet unknown to me but recommended by a friend who was a heart Dr. in that particular hospital).  The Dr was a very soft spoken woman who clearly cared about her patients.  When she looked at my mammogram for the first time, in my presence, she evinced complete horror and shock at the “obvious” result, that being an anomaly of some sort in the form of a black blotch.  The Dr. immediately recommended a follow up mammogram within a couple of weeks.  Non plussed  I agreed to return for another mammo.  Events proceeded and I did return within a month’s time and had another ultrasound.  When the Dr. read the results she was even MORE horrified than before, if that was even possible.  I began to wonder what had happened to a Doctor’s showing no emotion when giving out bad news.  The Dr. exclaimed with growing consternation, “It has GROWN!”  All I could think of at the moment with absolute certainty was the phrase, “Oh no it has not.”  But I did not say that aloud, I just had a deep settled peace.  The Dr. wanted to speak with my husband as soon as possible and to refer us both to a surgeon for exploratory surgery and removal of the “lump”.  Shortly thereafter both Bill and I found ourselves sitting in the surgeon’s office where he held, literally it seemed, my future in his hands as he read aloud the findings and his opinion about the upcoming surgery.  As my dear concerned husband sat nearby turning a shade or two whiter the Dr. continued to speak of follow up radiation and chemo since he had thought the “cancer” would might require this.  I felt I was listening to a poorly written script for a particularly amateurish t.v. drama.

As my shell shocked husband and I exited the Dr.’s office there was a determination growing within me and so when Bill asked what I wanted to do, I replied that I wanted to go to the US for a second opinion.  Bill agreed immediately which comforted me.  Somehow I knew instinctively, most probably a nudge from the Lord,  it was the right course of action and I deeply appreciated Bill’s openness to the idea.  We were scheduled, tentatively, to leave for the US within two or three months but Bill arranged for tickets right away for me to fly first to the US, to see my parents in Virginia and from there we woudl drive down to TN where my sister Karen and husband pastored, in the Knoxville area.  My brother in law and sister were friends with one of the chief breast cancer surgeons at a leading hospital.  The Dr., a Christian, had agreed to see me almost immediately upon my arrival.  I was amazed and grateful at the orchestration put into motion by my sister and brother in law to guarantee a swift answer to the question of breast cancer.  It touched my heart deeply that my mother, two sisters and niece all accompanied me to the hospital within minutes of my arrival.  Not long after the ultrasound was conducted the Dr. welcomed me to his office where he did a quick physical exam himself and then gave me the results of the scan.  The Dr. was both knowledgeable and yet had a sense of humor.  He declared that he and several other medical personnel had studied the ultrasound I had brought with me from the Philippines and he said with a chuckle, “We were laughing at it.”  He went on to add that the “tumor” was actually a large blotch on the ultrasound and the “growth” could be attributed to some sort of a bizarre coincidence.  I was further comforted by the Dr.’s assertion that there was absolutely no tumor, there were the usual small inconsistencies in the breast that would begin to appear in a woman of 50 years of age.   I exited that office to give the news to the caring female members of my family, all the ones able to be there with me.  We had met up in the vestibule and so gathered  in a circle to rejoice at God’s answer.  Then I began to weep. The tears were due to relief that it was all over with, not that I was going to be all right, I already had that particular peace from the Lord.  It was a  relief that I could go on with life without concerning myself with something physical which might conceivably interrupt our well-ordered lives, I was spared going through the disappoints a physical problem necessarily entails.    It was brought home to me a little later in that day just what effect an illness could have on my dear husband Bill.   Initially I sent him an e-mail letting him know I was ok, and at the same time (!) we had gotten word my sweet daughter Teri had given birth to her second little girl Lucy Eirena and so I let Bill know this also.  We did not know until much later that Teri’s life had actually been in danger at that time due to a hemorrhage, God blessed us all hugely.  When I talked with Bill the next day by skype he told me getting those two precious chunks of good news had caused HIM to burst into tears of gratitude that his wife was NOT suffering from cancer and that he had a new healthy grandbaby, a darling little girl.

From and through all these we have seen God’s faithfulness, both from afar and microscopically.  From afar we see His faithfulness through our very human doubts.  And then there are the times we see His grace and faithfulness, the very reason for the trust we cherish  in our hearts, this because of God’s faithfulness to His own honor .  He could never be faithless to His Word.  And by His Word He has promised to care for His children.  He has promised to be interested in their problems, their fears, their triumphs and their failings.  He is not only interested but He works for us.  He works all according to His will and glory and for good.  We are privileged to be passing vessels of His mercy to others.

Darla and her husband, Bill Ebert, are missionaries in the Philippines, where Bill serves as Dean of Students at the  Center for Biblical Studies Institute and Seminary. Bill is a second generation missionary who has followed in his parents footsteps, and Bill and Darla now have a third generation of family serving with them, their daughter, Teri and her husband. Steve. Darla grew up in Salem, VA, and then attended Tennessee Temple University in Chattanooga, TN. After graduation, Darla and Bill were married in 1977 and then moved to Quezon City, Philippines in 1980. They now serve in Antipolo, Philippines. Darla is actively involved in the school  teaching women, leading ladies Bible studies, and serving in the church. Bill and Darla have three adult children and five grandchildren.